Sassy B-Words

New Yorkers are cynical of the people around them. Maybe it's not just a New Yorker thing, but it sure seems like a more widespread problem up here. If someone doesn't smile enough, they're timid and anxious. If someone smiles too much, they're fake and naive. If someone is quiet, they're insecure and boring. If someone talks too much, they're immature and annoying. If someone is young, they're incapable and unrelatable. If someone is old, they're jaded and past their prime.

UGH.

This judgy attitude that precedes any form of worthwhile interaction makes me tired. And sad. When I was in college, I didn't run with a particularly gossipy group. I trusted all of my friends to bring any issues to the forefront, and they did (though issues rarely surfaced). But now, here in what is supposed to be "mature adulthood," I have witnessed far most scrutiny about people's "friends" when their backs are turned than I did in college. Don't get me wrong, my New York friends are great, and most New Yorkers are more loyal friends than I've ever seen, but their attitudes towards acquaintances and those they don't consider "close" friends are sour. This is particularly true in the restaurant world.

I was recently told that another server at work said that I "talk too much." My reaction? Truly, I'd rather that be the complaint about me than any of the remarks I hear about other people. Besides, I do talk a lot. Too much? Eh, that's up for discussion. I've mentioned this comment to a few friends who have all assured me that I don't talk an annoying amount at all, and that it's just become popular to be a "sassy b****" (that's actually the PG version of the real name my friend gave to the overly sarcastic and Eor-type characters that flood this town). Still, I think to myself, why does something negative have to be said about everyone? I mean it when I say that if "talking too much" is all that's being passed around about me, I'm thrilled. But how sad is that? Why should negative energy be so prevalent in my environment that I'm grateful for the way my feelings were hurt? That it's bound to happen, so at least they're not saying anything worse.

No. This is an epidemic that we shouldn't just accept and get used to because sarcasm and rude-but-witty humor is popular. I'm 24, happy with myself, and a generally forgiving person, so I can handle a comment made by someone I've worked with no more than five times. Maybe he had a hangover one day when I was telling a story and my enthusiasm gave him a headache. I don't know. But what he says doesn't bother me to the point that I'm insecure about who I am. I like to interact with people and that will not change just because a cynical New Yorker thinks I'm too peppy. However, not everyone is me. Middle schoolers are probably not able to shake off a rude remark so easily. Neither is a person who has self-esteem issues or an extremely sensitive personality.

This "sassy b****" idea has trickled down to youth, causing outrageous bullying in schools. It has seeped into workplaces, making everyone feel self-concious. It has poisoned relationships and threatened friendships. Thus, it is every single person's responsibility to never make anyone else feel hurt or bad about themselves. This doesn't mean you will get along with everyone, nor does it mean that everyone will deserve the best treatment. However, the guy you think is too serious may have grown up with braces, not wanting to smile. The new girl at work who seems shy may be hilarious and brighter than you think. The older guy with an intimidating weariness may be the most kind-hearted man in the room. The ex-pageant girl who seems fake might actually have a gigantic heart. Focusing on the things you like about a person along with searching for the peices you dont yet know will not only save you a lot of stress (because being a sassy b**** can be stressful), but get you a lot more friends. And if you just don't particularly like somone at the end of the day, how will saying something mean about them change that? May as well keep it to yourself. Gossip doesn't help you, the person you're gossiping about, or the people you're gossping with.

I've fallen into the trap before. Pre-judging someone, saying something mean when I'm annoyed, or delivering a snappy one-liner at the expense of someone else. No one is perfect. But us "mature adults" need to step back at times and re-evaluate the energy we're bringing to the world. We don't have teachers and parents telling us that our behavior is wrong, so our only reminders are those moments we're on the other side (i.e. when you hear that someone said you talk too much). We all know how it feels to be talked about, no matter how insignificant or serious the comment. Thus, my goal is to be more careful about any remark, flighty or purposeful, I make regarding someone else- no matter if I like, respect, or care for them. Because at the end of the day, negative thoughts and remarks have absolutely zero value.

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I haven't mentioned what I've been up to in a while, so here are some picture snippets:

 

Emily came to town!

A bunch of friends came to hear me sing in a showcase

Tommy's birthday brunch

Girls night with Mallory (Miss NY 2012)

Opening night at Carnegie Hall (Chicago Symphony)

Songs for a New World reunion!

Saw "Bring it On: The Musical"

Martini night with Katie (Miss Manhattan) and Elizabeth (Miss VA 2011)

On the Other Side

Those of us who pride ourselves in having social prowess, or even just average on the social awareness scale, have been trained in the appropriate reactions to certain scenarios. For instance, a friend gets a promotion: celebrate! A sibling gets married: drink! A coworker gets sick: text them and tell them to feel better. A puppy gets hit by the car: gasp, be sad. A scary man approaches you in the subway: run or kick his, uh, pain center (as my 9-year-old brother would say). I'll admit, I'm pretty great at knowing what my reactions should be to most situations. But there exist scenarios towards which most of us never want to find out how we'd react. These are the scenarios that define our character. None of us want to know what it'd be like to be evicted from our home, lose a limb, or never see our family again. Yet, only under these extreme circumstances is the truth revealed about what we value within ourselves and on whom/what we depend on for happiness. Under these circumstances, we find out if we are capable of making positive choices when it's not easy, like ourselves enough to keep moving forward, and have surrounded ourselves with people we are honored to call friends. The thought of finding out all of those things about ourselves at once is scary, but for me, I'm glad I have.

After my mom died on Labor Day, 4 1/2 weeks ago, I kept waiting for some terrible reaction. Anger at God, outlash towards my friends, depression keeping me in bed, something. Part of me is still expecting to wake up one day and be a completely changed person. But as the days go on and I'm still me, still laughing all the time, still getting annoyed with needy tables at work, still wanting to lose five pounds, I'm beginning to think that this is simply how it's going to be. I'm reacting to losing my mom by not reacting. Don't get me wrong, I miss her every single day and have had moments of deep pain when I want to call her, but my reaction is certainly not as I imagined. Perhaps not even appropriate at times. But what is appropriate? No mother/daughter could have had a more functional, deep, and intensly close-knit relationship than my mom and me. Many of my friends have even commented that they wish they had the kind of relationship I shared with my mom with their own. So does that mean I shouldn't be able to eat, sleep, or function? Maybe. But I've had a completely different reaction to losing my mom than "My life will never be the same and I'll never be okay." Instead, I've found an unbelievable amount of comfort about who I am and who my mother raised me to be. Because of this experience, I have absolutely no question about what I am capable of handling, where I find peace, or if I'm the person I truly want to be.

I was pretty sure I liked who I was before I knew my mom was going to die. But as the weeks and days crept closer to the final breath of her life, I was terrified. I was terrified of what I would do, how I would feel, and if my life would be bearable. Everyone kept telling me, "Just react however you react, there's no right way." But what if I wanted to jump off a bridge?? What if I wanted to starve myself?? What if I wanted to eat eight chocolate cakes a night?? What if I didn't want to see the rest of my family anymore?? What if I started hating God?? What if I want to drink every single night?? What if, what if, what if??? Those what if's showed that even though I didn't often question my self-confidence, my friends, or the goodness at my core before all of this, I certainly had never had all of what makes me ME put to the test before. Not all at once. Not to this extensive of a test. Was I actually the person I thought I was?

I'll never say I'm happy my mom died. That'd be legitmately inappropriate (and false). But she did, she is with God, and I am still here. More than that, though there's not really anything more than being with God (that's pretty awesome), but for me- more than simply still being here, I am prouder of the woman I am than I have ever been before. Everything about who I am was put to the test to see if I would come out on the other side not only okay, but great. How can I not be great when I know my mom is in heaven? When I know she lived a happy, fulfilled life. When I know that I learned from her so much that will lead me through my own life. When my best friends took off of work to be at the funeral and/or clean out my childhood bedroom. When my coworkers gave me over $1000 out of pocket to cover the shifts I missed. When cards, messages, and phone calls flooded in. When the family my mom left behind is closer than ever. When I didn't react with hate towards God, instead with trust in plans greater than I understand. When I still love to love other people. When I'm still goofy, open-minded, and excited about what lies ahead.

I'm truly glad to be me, knowing that under even the most difficult and heart-wrenching of circumstances, I will be more than okay. I'll come out even stronger. My mom was always that way, too. I am so thrilled to live the rest of my life in her legacy, doing everything I can to make her proud and to remember why she was so proud of me.

With my amazing friends celebrating my mom the night of her memorial service