To Be Chosen. Or Mostly Not.

There’s something to be said about being chosen.  It starts in elementary school. Well, probably before then, but elementary school is really where it starts  becoming clear if you’ll be one of those “chosen” people in life, or if you’ll be like the rest of us. I’m saying “the rest of us” like we’re a club because it almost makes me feel like I was chosen to be part of that kind-of-depressing-group. Coping mechanism. You see, I wasn’t chosen by Kyle, the cute blonde boy in first grade that I had a crush on (I never went through the boys have cooties stage. And I’m STILL single. This has been a longggg 18 years). He chose a different girl to share pens with, even though I helped him to the nurse when a door swung open and gave him a bloody nose. Then I auditioned for my first musical at age 7: The Wiz at San Diego Junior Theatre. They called back seven kids- I was one of them- out of hundreds who auditioned to be the munchkins (clearly, they were not going for a big cast). Six kids got the parts. You can guess who didn’t make the cut. A year later I moved to Virginia. Between the age of 8 and 12, I did over fifteen musicals with my children’s theatre. FIFTEEN. My poor mother drove me to all of those rehearsals to play what part, you might ask? Townsperson. Random orphan. Townsperson. Dancing barrel. Townsperson. Was I ever little orphan Annie? Nope. I was her understudy. Was I the princess in The Emperor’s New Clothes? Nope. I was her understudy. Was I the Narrator in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat? Nope. I was one of five girls who got called back, and they decided to split the role four ways. FOUR. Guess who, once again, got the boot? I’ll get over it. Mind you, I did get to play the role 11 years later at a different theatre when I was 22 years old...but come ON. Though I’m sure you get the point by now, I’ll give one- okay two- more examples of not being chosen in my childhood. I ran for class council every single year I was eligible. Fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh grade. Never happened. Also, the popular boy in fifth grade dated me as a dare. When I found out, I hid in the bathroom…I really thought he wanted to “go out with me.” But that one I can let slide since he’s now unfortunate looking and has no job.  Thank you Facebook for not making us wait until high school reunions to become secretly happy that the mean kids have digressed in life.

Now that I’ve written a paragraph that any psychologist would be thrilled to dissect, I’ll get to my point. Being chosen feels good. Whether it’s by a man (or woman) who wants to date you, someone who wants to befriend you, a director who wants to cast you, or a boss who wants to promote you, being chosen feels so darn good. I don’t care what excuses we listen to from our own self-preserving minds or the mouths of others, we’d all rather be chosen than convince ourselves that “he wasn’t in the right place in life to be with me” or “I was just overqualified for the job.” No. At the end of the day, you wish he’d told you that you were the girl who he’ll turn his world upside down for or that the director had created a brand new show revolving around your undiscovered talent. Yet, for most of us, these things don’t happen. At least not often. Perhaps ever.

GOOD NEWS. You can get better at not being chosen. Practice makes perfect. I’m a pro. I should seriously teach lessons for $40/hour on how to handle rejection. Adulthood is pretty much the same story as that paragraph about my childhood woes. Just sub the fake 5th grade boyfriend with men who choose someone over me or come up with some other awesome reason why we shouldn’t be serious, replace the theatre rejections with…wait, still the same thing, and swap running for class council with competing to be Miss Virginia/Miss New York. But somehow, the world keeps turning. You come to find that with each rejection, instead of the world ending, you still crave Chipotle just like before and that Modern Family makes you laugh. Then out of the blue you’re chosen for one small thing, and you appreciate it so much more than if being chosen was always a given. You’re so grateful for that one token of acknowledgement of what you have to offer that you become more determined to develop even more to offer, more to be acknowledged. Because you’re working on yourself, you inevitably become a better person. As you’re able to offer more- you’ve taken more voice lessons, worked on your patience, developed your purpose- you begin to see how you are and have been chosen.

I was chosen as the youngest member of Falcon Jazz, our school’s prestigious octet, in high school. I was chosen as a lead in my first ever regional theatre production straight out of college. I was chosen by my sorority and by the a cappella group. I was chosen to work at my restaurant even though I lacked the necessary experience. I was chosen to be a singer at Busch Gardens. I am chosen by my family. Yes, you may think that’s obligation on their parts, but some children are not so lucky to feel chosen and loved by their families. I am chosen by my friends who call and text me constantly to ask me about my life and tribulations.  The more you TRY and see how much you’re chosen, the more you see that you ARE. I’d still love to have a guy sweep me off my feet for the long haul or to be cast as the leading lady in a Broadway show, but when I think about how my friends make me laugh and check up on me daily, how my family calls to say they love me, and how my boss forgives me when I break the cork of a wine bottle, I am not as concerned with what ways I have not been chosen.

It’s hard to feel rejected. I’m not undermining that feeling. But the more it happens, the more you learn that a shift in your perspective can change everything. Each time you’re not chosen, you get better at making that shift. Isn’t that how it works with most challenges in life? You just need a simple shift in perspective. And plenty of practice.

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PS- I hit my ONE YEAR in NYC mark last Friday. How insane is that? I had a mini celebration:

Dating Panel

We don't think about the exact "hows" of most of our actions in life. I don't think about how I brush my hair- I just do it every morning. I don't think about how to walk down the stairs- I simply go down them. I don't think about how to start a conversation with my friends- I just open my mouth. I also have never thought about how to form a connection or be socially comfortable with the opposite sex. Chemistry between two people just happens without explanation, right? Well, apparently not for everyone.

Most of us are aware that there is an abundance of socially awkward individuals on this planet. I'm not claiming to never be a part of that group. As a matter of fact, I think all of us are awkward at times or in certain social scenarios. However, I'm talking about the group of men (and women...but I'm focusing on men in this blog) that have literally never set foot in public with a female. This includes their sisters, coworkers, or any female excluding their mothers. You don't think those men exist? That there are guys who have never been out with any woman one on one, even a cousin? Think again. Last Saturday, I was in a room with 40 of them.

That's a lie, probably only 15 didn't raise their hand when the dating coach asked, "Who has been in public with any female around your age? Coworker, sister, whatever." None-the-less, my heart went out to these men. Not in an "Oh, I feel sorry for these lesser beings" kind of way, but in a way that made me sad that they are not naturally able to show the world who they are- the great guys beneath the surface of those who are shy, who have been shut down, who have put books in front of conversations, and who are told by society that they do not look the way women want them to (i.e. tall, dark, and handsome).

Me, Mallory, and Acacia at the dating seminar

But the good news is that they want to work through whatever issues hold them back from interacting easily, or at all, with women. And luckily, since there is such a market for help in the hows of socializing with the opposite sex, they can find dating coaches to break it down for them. This sets the scene for the dating seminar at which myself, Mallory (Miss New York 2012), and Acacia (my roommate during Miss New York week) were guest panelists. After a 30-40 minute lecture by a successful dating coach focusing on how to approach women, the three of us were asked to sit at a table in front of the room and answer questions about dating. Choosing MAO pageant ladies to be panelists was a bright idea by the dating coaches, might I add, since all of those pageant interviews allow us to be queens (hah) of animated verbalization and honest answers, yet we tend to be very polite and caring about how those answers may affect our listeners.

I wasn't sure what kind of questions to expect, but we certainly received a wide range. There were bitter questions like, "Girls like you three are always rude to me at bars. Is it because you care more about physical attraction?", genuine questions like "How do you follow up after a first date?", and awkward questions like "What's your age range that you'd date?" To the first question: What separates friendships from relationships? Physical attraction. But that doesn't mean you have to look a certain way. It means you have to be hygienic and confident. I'm pretty sure those are the only two things many (not all) girls care about. But Mal made a good point- if you approach a woman with a bitter attitude like she'll reject you because she's "too pretty and must be stuck up," then you're begging for a self-fulfilled prophecy. Second question: You have to have the social awareness to understand how the girl felt on the date in order to know how you should follow up. Don't call that night, but don't wait two weeks. Somewhere in between. Third question: I'm 24 with a dad who is 55, so guys in their 20's and 30's are fair game. Mal is 23, but her dad is 42. Dating a guy in his 30's would put him closer to her father's age than hers. Weird. Acacia is 19. She will not be dating anyone in his 30's.

All of these questions would be irrelevant, however, if these men would find confidence somewhere within themselves. Confidence, true- not contrived- confidence, is the one quality that attracts all women. Yet this was the common link missing among all of the men in that room. They have to break down the hows of dating and talking to women because they don't trust that they are awesome to talk to or be around. Well, how do you instill confidence into men and convince them that they're awesome to be around when they've spent 10-20 years believing the opposite? Mal, Acacia, and I tried to show them that being a suave smooth robot isn't what women want. Look at the three of us! We are vastly different ladies- completely contrasting looks, mannerisms, opinions, and speaking styles. Yet the men were boxing us into one category: "girls like you." We tried to explain that clearly the three of us are different, so why should all of them be so concerned with being one "perfect" type themselves? If I tried to be a suave smooth girl, I'd look ridiculous. I am clumsy, make funny faces, and am constantly sarcastic. No one would like me if I tried to hide those things about myself and be the calm, cool, and sexy girl that is idolized in magazines or on T.V. These guys just need to realize that there is no one type that women find attractive! It's the comfort someone has with being themselves that pulls us in. If you're at ease with you, we feel at ease with you.

Clearly, I'm no expert, but I had a really great time working with men on their abilities to trust themselves and get past the fears they have about talking to women. I hope that through their interactions with Mallory, Acacia, and myself that their minds are at least somewhat changed about themselves, "girls like us," and what women find attractive. Sure, some of them probably need a few more lessons from a coach on the exact hows of interaction, but we all have our strengths and weaknesses. I need a how to cook show as bad as these guys need a how to date seminar. It's just life! More power to them for being proactive.