Dating Panel

We don't think about the exact "hows" of most of our actions in life. I don't think about how I brush my hair- I just do it every morning. I don't think about how to walk down the stairs- I simply go down them. I don't think about how to start a conversation with my friends- I just open my mouth. I also have never thought about how to form a connection or be socially comfortable with the opposite sex. Chemistry between two people just happens without explanation, right? Well, apparently not for everyone.

Most of us are aware that there is an abundance of socially awkward individuals on this planet. I'm not claiming to never be a part of that group. As a matter of fact, I think all of us are awkward at times or in certain social scenarios. However, I'm talking about the group of men (and women...but I'm focusing on men in this blog) that have literally never set foot in public with a female. This includes their sisters, coworkers, or any female excluding their mothers. You don't think those men exist? That there are guys who have never been out with any woman one on one, even a cousin? Think again. Last Saturday, I was in a room with 40 of them.

That's a lie, probably only 15 didn't raise their hand when the dating coach asked, "Who has been in public with any female around your age? Coworker, sister, whatever." None-the-less, my heart went out to these men. Not in an "Oh, I feel sorry for these lesser beings" kind of way, but in a way that made me sad that they are not naturally able to show the world who they are- the great guys beneath the surface of those who are shy, who have been shut down, who have put books in front of conversations, and who are told by society that they do not look the way women want them to (i.e. tall, dark, and handsome).

Me, Mallory, and Acacia at the dating seminar

But the good news is that they want to work through whatever issues hold them back from interacting easily, or at all, with women. And luckily, since there is such a market for help in the hows of socializing with the opposite sex, they can find dating coaches to break it down for them. This sets the scene for the dating seminar at which myself, Mallory (Miss New York 2012), and Acacia (my roommate during Miss New York week) were guest panelists. After a 30-40 minute lecture by a successful dating coach focusing on how to approach women, the three of us were asked to sit at a table in front of the room and answer questions about dating. Choosing MAO pageant ladies to be panelists was a bright idea by the dating coaches, might I add, since all of those pageant interviews allow us to be queens (hah) of animated verbalization and honest answers, yet we tend to be very polite and caring about how those answers may affect our listeners.

I wasn't sure what kind of questions to expect, but we certainly received a wide range. There were bitter questions like, "Girls like you three are always rude to me at bars. Is it because you care more about physical attraction?", genuine questions like "How do you follow up after a first date?", and awkward questions like "What's your age range that you'd date?" To the first question: What separates friendships from relationships? Physical attraction. But that doesn't mean you have to look a certain way. It means you have to be hygienic and confident. I'm pretty sure those are the only two things many (not all) girls care about. But Mal made a good point- if you approach a woman with a bitter attitude like she'll reject you because she's "too pretty and must be stuck up," then you're begging for a self-fulfilled prophecy. Second question: You have to have the social awareness to understand how the girl felt on the date in order to know how you should follow up. Don't call that night, but don't wait two weeks. Somewhere in between. Third question: I'm 24 with a dad who is 55, so guys in their 20's and 30's are fair game. Mal is 23, but her dad is 42. Dating a guy in his 30's would put him closer to her father's age than hers. Weird. Acacia is 19. She will not be dating anyone in his 30's.

All of these questions would be irrelevant, however, if these men would find confidence somewhere within themselves. Confidence, true- not contrived- confidence, is the one quality that attracts all women. Yet this was the common link missing among all of the men in that room. They have to break down the hows of dating and talking to women because they don't trust that they are awesome to talk to or be around. Well, how do you instill confidence into men and convince them that they're awesome to be around when they've spent 10-20 years believing the opposite? Mal, Acacia, and I tried to show them that being a suave smooth robot isn't what women want. Look at the three of us! We are vastly different ladies- completely contrasting looks, mannerisms, opinions, and speaking styles. Yet the men were boxing us into one category: "girls like you." We tried to explain that clearly the three of us are different, so why should all of them be so concerned with being one "perfect" type themselves? If I tried to be a suave smooth girl, I'd look ridiculous. I am clumsy, make funny faces, and am constantly sarcastic. No one would like me if I tried to hide those things about myself and be the calm, cool, and sexy girl that is idolized in magazines or on T.V. These guys just need to realize that there is no one type that women find attractive! It's the comfort someone has with being themselves that pulls us in. If you're at ease with you, we feel at ease with you.

Clearly, I'm no expert, but I had a really great time working with men on their abilities to trust themselves and get past the fears they have about talking to women. I hope that through their interactions with Mallory, Acacia, and myself that their minds are at least somewhat changed about themselves, "girls like us," and what women find attractive. Sure, some of them probably need a few more lessons from a coach on the exact hows of interaction, but we all have our strengths and weaknesses. I need a how to cook show as bad as these guys need a how to date seminar. It's just life! More power to them for being proactive.