Who are we to...

Love this album

Who are we to be emotional?
Who are we to play with hearts and throw away it all?
Oh, who are we to turn each other's heads?
Who are we to find ourselves in other people's beds?

Have you ever become obsessed with a song simply for one little part of the melody or a small string of its lyrics? Of course you have. Recently, I've been listening nonstop to "This Love (Will Be Your Downfall)" by Ellie Goulding because of my love for the opening lyrics, posted above. I didn't really know why these words struck a chord with me when I first heard them, but as I've dissected what they mean, I've come to realize my fascination with how they reflect human egotism while equally reflecting human insecurity.

Off the bat, egotism and insecurity sound like opposing characteristics...a constant battle between the two as to which will rule our thoughts and actions. On second thought, the line between egotism and insecurity is a fine one. They almost always work in tandem rather than pull us in different directions. Insecurity is often masked by egotism, while egotism drives insecurity. Everyone knows the situation when a large ego masks insecurity- that guy who laughs too loud at his own jokes (though I crack myself up, so I totally get it) or the girl who wears overly promiscuous clothing to hide self-doubt. On the other hand, we also know people who are so proud of their bodies, cars, accomplishments, or basic presence on this earth that they're terrified of losing any of the things that make them so worthy of their own awesomeness. In this case, egotism fuels the insecurity of losing that superior status.

Ellie Goulding's lyrics (yes, I checked that she actually wrote the song) throw a spotlight on the human interaction that might possibly deserve the award for "Most Insecurity and Ego Shoved into One Topic": Relationships. Careers come in a close second. Still, when it comes to attracting those of the opposite sex- or the same sex if you live in Hell's Kitchen- confusion over our worthiness is a delicate and prevalent issue. Like Ellie sings, Who are we to hold in our possession another's heart and feelings? I'm shocked at the power we hold over the people we love. Almost as shocking is the power they hold over us. What is that indescribable chemistry that sparks between people, allowing hope of connection and fear of rejection all within a three second glance? That hope and fear only increases as we grow close to another person. When we find ourselves in someone else's bed or garnering second glances, ego is fed by the knowledge that someone else noticed us or allowed us into his/her life. Insecurity rears its head as we wonder if this attention is deserved, if it will last, and if it is genuine.

This all leads to a few questions. Can egotism and insecurity grow independently of one another? Particularly in relationships, is it possible to lose any sort of insecurity? Is it possible to not abuse the egotistical power in knowing that someone else adores us unconditionally? My opinion is no, to all three questions. Insecurity is egotistical in itself, wallowing in a fear about yourself. You, you, you. What others think of you. What you think of yourself. It revolves around the number one desire in life: maintaining a happy you. I don't say this in a bad way, after all- how can we not think mostly of ourselves? We're with ourselves all the time. But even when we're selfless or strong or philanthropic, those things all lead back to being proud of ourselves. When it's all said and done, I think egocurity (you like that? My lovely new word for the inevitable mix of egotism and insecurity) is a human condition too strong to fully conquer. In regards to the questions involving egocurity and relationships, no person is perfect. I really like to believe Mr. Right exists, but even Mr. Right will inevitably take for granted a woman's devotion during an ego-driven moment. Similarly, fully trusting someone doesn't mean you'll completely stop wondering if maybe he wishes you were a few inches shorter.

I love being alive for the mere excitement of free will. With all of this random thought about four lines of a song, I am able to see more clearly what to be cautious of becoming dominant in my own personality, while recognizing that everyone wrestles with the battle- or weird magnetism- between opposing instincts. We are not alone.

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To sum up the last few weeks:

One Dress Campain photo/video shoot

Crashed my brother's mini-college reunion with friends

And finally enjoyed a springtime Sunday brunch!

Fake Celebridom

Perception is not reality...sometimes we want it to be and sometimes we're grateful it's not. Goodness knows that's how my life is at the moment. Sure, bits and pieces of how our behavior is interpreted, how fun we look in Facebook pictures, and what others personally project onto us are indeed valid, but the entirety of "you" rarely matches the "you" everyone else knows. Or thinks they know. This is beginning to sound like an episode of that old MTV show "True Life." You think you know but you have no idea. Let's run with that. "True Life: I'm Miss New York."



Seven state titleholders + Miss America fighting the wind during the Brooklyn
Bridge photo shoot...how glamorous!

NY, VA,  SC, and HI

A few weeks ago was the official "Miss America Homecoming" for Mallory in NYC, celebrating her big win and new job as Miss America 2013. Mallory, myself, and nine other state titleholders gallivanted from appearance to appearance, much of the weekend forgoing sleep and food. Children and adults alike lined up for photo ops and gawked at the rhinestones on our heads and sashes. Little did they know that all, or most, of us are twenty-somethings that don't really know what we want to do with our lives (welcome to young adulthood), can barely afford much more than cup o' noodles, and spend the majority of our time alone. Miss Virginia and Miss South Carolina spend hours upon hours driving across their states, chugging five hour energy drinks and probably talking to themselves like crazy people because they're so used to being alone in their cars (just a guess, Rosemary and Ali...). Then there's Miss New York, who spends plenty of alone time in her studio apartment, answering emails and enjoying a not-so-shameful bowl of Velveeta shells and cheese. Yes, I am incredibly grateful for the fun appearances I get to make, the successful people I get to meet, and the way I get to make kids feel super special, but the perception of my life and who I am is far more glamorous than the reality.

Mal and I are never ever awkward.

I like to call being Miss New York "fake celebridom." When you wear the sash and crown, you are escorted around as though you are Kate Middleton's American replacement. When the rhinestones come off, you're pushed and shoved on the subway just like everybody else. I chuckled to myself the night the Miss America Homecoming was over and I headed back to my apartment in Washington Heights, still wearing the gorgeous black gown, but barefoot and holding open the door into my building with my butt as I tried to drag in the ridiculous amount of bags and suitcases I had acquired during the few days away. Suitcases were tumbling over, my hair was falling out, and I had to soccer kick a few bags to the elevator. One hour earlier, I was being whisked around a fancy party, not allowed to lift a finger. Oh, the irony.

After my classy arrival back at my humble apartment with the mountain of bags at 2am, I slept for two hours before waking up in time to sing the National Anthem at the New York City Half Marathon. Needless to say, I didn't deem a shower necessary that morning. I sang for thousands upon thousands of runners, once again escorted from tent to tent. Then a few hours later, BOOM, I'm playing cards with my family in an Irish Pub, not an ounce of glamor in sight. I'm telling you, the fake celebridom is very odd.

You don't have to be Miss New York to live a life different than the way others perceive it. Heck, with social media, we're all something like mini-celebs...except we're also our own PR managers. The thing with perception is that we can't get lost in others' opinions; we must stay cognizant about reality. At the same time, we need to use the way others see us to draw inspiration for our reality. For instance, the more people who tell me that I'm a great Miss New York, the more I want to work hard to make that statement more than just hot air. Or the opposite- if someone perceives me as stuck up because of pageant stereotypes, the more relatable I'm determined to be. We can't get lost in how we are perceived because reality is, well, reality, but we should use the eyes of others to shape our worlds into something we'll be proud of when someone starts getting to know the real us.

I don't have a solution for world peace and I don't own any blouses that cost more than $25 (shout out to Target and Forever 21), but I'm doing my darndest to be more giving, patient, intellectual, and sensitive because that's what people perceive a role model Miss New York to be...simply an upstanding woman. The wam bam glam perception can't really be changed- that's just the name of the game- but if you're reading this, please know that Miss New York is wearing faded jeans and a grey sweater while writing this on a smelly bus with no leg room.

Made this meme a few weeks ago...perfect, right? I crack myself up...

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Since the last time I blogged...(in no particular order)

I went to Cabo with my best friends, plus grandma/stepdad/cousin:

 

 

Met Bloomberg at the annual fundraiser for the National Marfan Foundation:

 

 



 



Went to a few appearances upstate:

 

 

Went to a fashion show:

 



Judged a cheesecake contest to raise money for Broadway Cares:

 

Attended all of the Miss America Homecoming events:

 

PS 22 Choir!

Good Morning America

Ben Vereen!



 

Hosted a few pageants, one during which a contestant drew my face for talent:

 

Had a major balloon sword fight:

 

Had my official Miss New York crown pictures taken:





 

Sent out lots of signed photos:

 

AND LOTS, LOTS MORE :-D