Shannon's NYC: Who are we to...

Love this album

Who are we to be emotional?
Who are we to play with hearts and throw away it all?
Oh, who are we to turn each other's heads?
Who are we to find ourselves in other people's beds?

Have you ever become obsessed with a song simply for one little part of the melody or a small string of its lyrics? Of course you have. Recently, I've been listening nonstop to "This Love (Will Be Your Downfall)" by Ellie Goulding because of my love for the opening lyrics, posted above. I didn't really know why these words struck a chord with me when I first heard them, but as I've dissected what they mean, I've come to realize my fascination with how they reflect human egotism while equally reflecting human insecurity.

Off the bat, egotism and insecurity sound like opposing characteristics...a constant battle between the two as to which will rule our thoughts and actions. On second thought, the line between egotism and insecurity is a fine one. They almost always work in tandem rather than pull us in different directions. Insecurity is often masked by egotism, while egotism drives insecurity. Everyone knows the situation when a large ego masks insecurity- that guy who laughs too loud at his own jokes (though I crack myself up, so I totally get it) or the girl who wears overly promiscuous clothing to hide self-doubt. On the other hand, we also know people who are so proud of their bodies, cars, accomplishments, or basic presence on this earth that they're terrified of losing any of the things that make them so worthy of their own awesomeness. In this case, egotism fuels the insecurity of losing that superior status.

Ellie Goulding's lyrics (yes, I checked that she actually wrote the song) throw a spotlight on the human interaction that might possibly deserve the award for "Most Insecurity and Ego Shoved into One Topic": Relationships. Careers come in a close second. Still, when it comes to attracting those of the opposite sex- or the same sex if you live in Hell's Kitchen- confusion over our worthiness is a delicate and prevalent issue. Like Ellie sings, Who are we to hold in our possession another's heart and feelings? I'm shocked at the power we hold over the people we love. Almost as shocking is the power they hold over us. What is that indescribable chemistry that sparks between people, allowing hope of connection and fear of rejection all within a three second glance? That hope and fear only increases as we grow close to another person. When we find ourselves in someone else's bed or garnering second glances, ego is fed by the knowledge that someone else noticed us or allowed us into his/her life. Insecurity rears its head as we wonder if this attention is deserved, if it will last, and if it is genuine.

This all leads to a few questions. Can egotism and insecurity grow independently of one another? Particularly in relationships, is it possible to lose any sort of insecurity? Is it possible to not abuse the egotistical power in knowing that someone else adores us unconditionally? My opinion is no, to all three questions. Insecurity is egotistical in itself, wallowing in a fear about yourself. You, you, you. What others think of you. What you think of yourself. It revolves around the number one desire in life: maintaining a happy you. I don't say this in a bad way, after all- how can we not think mostly of ourselves? We're with ourselves all the time. But even when we're selfless or strong or philanthropic, those things all lead back to being proud of ourselves. When it's all said and done, I think egocurity (you like that? My lovely new word for the inevitable mix of egotism and insecurity) is a human condition too strong to fully conquer. In regards to the questions involving egocurity and relationships, no person is perfect. I really like to believe Mr. Right exists, but even Mr. Right will inevitably take for granted a woman's devotion during an ego-driven moment. Similarly, fully trusting someone doesn't mean you'll completely stop wondering if maybe he wishes you were a few inches shorter.

I love being alive for the mere excitement of free will. With all of this random thought about four lines of a song, I am able to see more clearly what to be cautious of becoming dominant in my own personality, while recognizing that everyone wrestles with the battle- or weird magnetism- between opposing instincts. We are not alone.

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To sum up the last few weeks: