On the Other Side

Those of us who pride ourselves in having social prowess, or even just average on the social awareness scale, have been trained in the appropriate reactions to certain scenarios. For instance, a friend gets a promotion: celebrate! A sibling gets married: drink! A coworker gets sick: text them and tell them to feel better. A puppy gets hit by the car: gasp, be sad. A scary man approaches you in the subway: run or kick his, uh, pain center (as my 9-year-old brother would say). I'll admit, I'm pretty great at knowing what my reactions should be to most situations. But there exist scenarios towards which most of us never want to find out how we'd react. These are the scenarios that define our character. None of us want to know what it'd be like to be evicted from our home, lose a limb, or never see our family again. Yet, only under these extreme circumstances is the truth revealed about what we value within ourselves and on whom/what we depend on for happiness. Under these circumstances, we find out if we are capable of making positive choices when it's not easy, like ourselves enough to keep moving forward, and have surrounded ourselves with people we are honored to call friends. The thought of finding out all of those things about ourselves at once is scary, but for me, I'm glad I have.

After my mom died on Labor Day, 4 1/2 weeks ago, I kept waiting for some terrible reaction. Anger at God, outlash towards my friends, depression keeping me in bed, something. Part of me is still expecting to wake up one day and be a completely changed person. But as the days go on and I'm still me, still laughing all the time, still getting annoyed with needy tables at work, still wanting to lose five pounds, I'm beginning to think that this is simply how it's going to be. I'm reacting to losing my mom by not reacting. Don't get me wrong, I miss her every single day and have had moments of deep pain when I want to call her, but my reaction is certainly not as I imagined. Perhaps not even appropriate at times. But what is appropriate? No mother/daughter could have had a more functional, deep, and intensly close-knit relationship than my mom and me. Many of my friends have even commented that they wish they had the kind of relationship I shared with my mom with their own. So does that mean I shouldn't be able to eat, sleep, or function? Maybe. But I've had a completely different reaction to losing my mom than "My life will never be the same and I'll never be okay." Instead, I've found an unbelievable amount of comfort about who I am and who my mother raised me to be. Because of this experience, I have absolutely no question about what I am capable of handling, where I find peace, or if I'm the person I truly want to be.

I was pretty sure I liked who I was before I knew my mom was going to die. But as the weeks and days crept closer to the final breath of her life, I was terrified. I was terrified of what I would do, how I would feel, and if my life would be bearable. Everyone kept telling me, "Just react however you react, there's no right way." But what if I wanted to jump off a bridge?? What if I wanted to starve myself?? What if I wanted to eat eight chocolate cakes a night?? What if I didn't want to see the rest of my family anymore?? What if I started hating God?? What if I want to drink every single night?? What if, what if, what if??? Those what if's showed that even though I didn't often question my self-confidence, my friends, or the goodness at my core before all of this, I certainly had never had all of what makes me ME put to the test before. Not all at once. Not to this extensive of a test. Was I actually the person I thought I was?

I'll never say I'm happy my mom died. That'd be legitmately inappropriate (and false). But she did, she is with God, and I am still here. More than that, though there's not really anything more than being with God (that's pretty awesome), but for me- more than simply still being here, I am prouder of the woman I am than I have ever been before. Everything about who I am was put to the test to see if I would come out on the other side not only okay, but great. How can I not be great when I know my mom is in heaven? When I know she lived a happy, fulfilled life. When I know that I learned from her so much that will lead me through my own life. When my best friends took off of work to be at the funeral and/or clean out my childhood bedroom. When my coworkers gave me over $1000 out of pocket to cover the shifts I missed. When cards, messages, and phone calls flooded in. When the family my mom left behind is closer than ever. When I didn't react with hate towards God, instead with trust in plans greater than I understand. When I still love to love other people. When I'm still goofy, open-minded, and excited about what lies ahead.

I'm truly glad to be me, knowing that under even the most difficult and heart-wrenching of circumstances, I will be more than okay. I'll come out even stronger. My mom was always that way, too. I am so thrilled to live the rest of my life in her legacy, doing everything I can to make her proud and to remember why she was so proud of me.

With my amazing friends celebrating my mom the night of her memorial service