Excelsior

We often glamorize our dream jobs. If only we get hired, we will have endless energy to accomplish everything we've imagined, every day will be a perfect hair day, and nothing will bring us down. Yes, we know hard work is part of the game, but that hard work will feel easy since we are so passionate about the position. 

Let's get real.

I want to be Miss New York. This is my dream job. I came into this week 100% ready for that job. Not the job of presenting the perfect pageant package on Saturday night with a Victoria Secret-ready swimsuit and a gown would get perfect tens from the Fashion Police. I mean that I came into this week 100% ready to travel the state promoting multiculturalism, authenticity, and the Miss America Organization. I came ready to be a confidant for my fellow competitors, a student to the current Miss New York, and an example of strength and leadership to the Miss New York board. Nothing could possibly bring me down.

So why was I tearfully listening to Claire Buffie, Miss New York 2010 and a good friend of mine, encourage me to keep my chin up yesterday afternoon? Why was I so, what felt at the time, weak? I am a strong, no drama mama who can push through anything. I am a future Miss New York who is confident, motivated, and in no need of hand-holding. I am not the girl feebly sitting on an ottoman in the back of the theatre being comforted and challenged to stay in the game. But there I was, holding a ball of wet, white flakes of paper that only vaguely resembled a tissue, trying to get out of this black hole that my brain had been sucked into.

Three months ago, my mother was diagnosed with bladder cancer. Bad, progressed bladder cancer. I haven't shared this on my blog because I would never want to share something so personal that could be misconstrued as a need for attention on the social media circuit. But I share this now because of how it has affected my week here at Miss New York. Yesterday, as I saw the production start coming together, all I could think was "is this the last time my mom will see me in an exciting production? Will I make her proud if it is?" This deep pain at the thought of losing my mom manifested itself in insecurity that I wouldn't be enough on Saturday night. That I was wasting my time when there are much bigger, more important issues to be focusing on instead of a pageant. Looking back, these thoughts are useless, self-deprecating, and untrue. But at the time, all I wanted to do was go be with my mom, my family, and not in swimsuit trying to learn how to do a corkscrew modeling turn without falling over.

I tell you this story of momentary defeat, not to explain how I got back on track (which I am), but to compare this experience with the possibilities of this year- the year I may be Miss New York. Not every day will be perfect. I won't feel like a put-together, powerhouse Miss New York every single day. I may question my ability to push through my personal problems or the validity of my hard work. I may have to reach out for a hand to hold, as Claire lent me yesterday. And that's okay. We all have moments of weakness, even during a week where we are so determined to exemplify the definition of strength, or during a year where we are a spokeswoman for Project Empire, the Children's Miracle Network, our platform, and the Miss New York Organization. We can't possibly maintain that sort of stamina without the help of our fellow human beings. HUMAN beings. And no matter who you are- Miss New York or the President of the United states- you are human. The important thing is recognizing that humanity within us, so when our mental, physical, and emotional challenges flair up, we can humble out, get help, and get up.

"Excelsior" is the New York state motto, meaning "forever upward." I'm up. And I'm ready to be Miss New York on the good days and the bad ones.

Claire and I after night 1 of preliminaries