Man's Best Friend

I'll be the first to admit it: Whenever I have an extreme emotion, all I want is someone to join the party. I don't want to hear how to make things better or listen to why I should manage my expectations. I want you to jump up and down with me when I get a new job lead or lay prostrate on the floor with me after realizing I've gained eight pounds. And if you can't bring yourself to join me on the overenthusiastic highs and the self-indulgent lows, at least be very quiet and just smile at me like I am the most wonderful person on the planet.

This is why I need a dog.

Two humans have ever come close to the qualities I'm looking for in an emotional sidekick: Tommy Hendrickson and Emily Howard-soon-to-be-Montovani. Their bonus: In addition to hopping on whatever quickly-moving train I'm riding, these two will also make sure I have a full glass of wine in hand. Unfortunately, they aren't furry and I can't nuzzle them while talking in a high pitched voice. Scratch that. The latter has definitely occurred. And Tommy's legs, well, let's just say they're not NOT furry. What I'm trying to say is that even my best friends are no match for the therapy dogs bring to the table.

True or false: When a puppy looks at you with those wide eyes that are bigger and sadder than Precious on a diet, you can't think of anything else in the world at that moment.

Answer: true

If you answered false, might I use these as my rebuttal:

Now that I'm positive we're all on the same page, I'm sure you will agree that pups have an inexplicable way of making you happy. Their approach is very similar to Sour Patch Kids, in that just when they're getting so sour that you can't believe you decided to have one, they become ridiculously sweet. Observe:

 

 

I've done a lot of thinking about getting a pooch and have decided it's a must. First I need a job, then an apartment, and then a car, but I'm thinking a new little lovebug will come into my life within the next year! Also, the name will have something to do with wine or cheese, depending on the personality of the little one. Options are: Brie, Veeta (Velveeta), Colby, Jack, Colby-Jack, Grigio, Aquinas (favorite pinot noir), Raymond (favorite cab), Kendall-Jackson (if I get a Great Dane), Chardonnay (if I get a little fluffy white dog), Napa, or Noma (Sonoma).

 

They say you can't buy friends, but I can't wait to buy my new bestie! Don't worry, human besties, I'm not replacing you. I'm just buying you out of the emotional sidekick gig. You can still bring me wine, though.