Shannon's NYC: 642 Things to Write About: #1

I'd guesstimate that there are about four people on this planet who know me better than I know myself. Truly. They can predict my reactions, explain what I really mean when I can't express myself well, and know what makes me excited, happy, angry, emotional, irrational, proud, crazy, sad, giggly, and reassured. Two of those people are my brother and Lindsay. For my birthday, which was about three weeks ago, Jim and Linds gave me a book that can only be described as the best gift ever (close second is the iPhone my parents are giving me in a week). This fantastic book is called 642 Things to Write About. Writing is one of the few ways I give my brain a break from all of the spastic-ness that's constantly reeling about up there, but sometimes I just don't know where to begin. Now, whenever I'm lacking inspiration, I can open up my lovely little book and just go! Thanks, Jim and Linds, for knowing me so well and picking the perfect gift! So today's topic is...

Write, in ridiculous detail, directions on how to get to your house.

Now, this all depends on where you're starting from. But let's assume that your bus/cab/car service/whatever just dropped you off in the middle of Times Square. You are standing on the southeast corner of 45th Street and 7th Avenue, right in front of the Swatch store that has blue, green, yellow, and other multicolored plastic watches on display. Walk south on 7th Avenue, towards the dancing people dressed up as Dora the Explorer, Mickey Mouse, and the like. The naked cowboy should be about fifteen feet to your right. When you get to 44th Street (Toys "R" Us on your left..hence the dancing cartoons), turn right and walk across the blue concrete with overwhelmed and tired tourists sitting down at the filthy metal tables scattered about. Avoid crazy taxi drivers as you cross Broadway (which intersects with 7th Avenue at about this point...don't get confused).

SIDE NOTE: Everything in New York City is an easy grid. Avenues go North and South, while streets go East and West. Broadway is just there to mess with you...it juts completely diagonal through everything. You can NEVER judge which way to go based on where Broadway is. It's a stupid street.

Back to where you are. You've managed to cross Broadway without getting trampled or hit by a taxi and are standing on the northwest corner of 44th and Broadway. Turn 90 degrees left and face the LEVI's store. On the wall across the street, you will see a giant picture of a handsome African-American male model on his back in the fetal position, modeling a pair of Levi's and nothing else. Walk towards him. Stop before you hit the wall. Turn right, staying on 44th street heading West, past the street stand that sells I <3 NY t-shirts and other questionable looking paraphernalia. You will walk past the famous family-style Italian restaurant called Carmines on your left, then past obnoxious yellow signs for Broadway's Rock of Ages. You're getting close to the train station you're aiming for after you pass the St. James Theatre, where my childhood friend, Adrienne Warren, is starring in a new show, Bring it On: The Musical (yep, I name-dropped just there).

About 20 feet past John's Pizza (my stepmom's favorite NYC pizzeria), enter the subway station that advertises the ACE trains in blue circular symbols. Buy a metro card (figure it out), and enter the turnstiles that have been touched by at least 200,000 people before you. Today. Immediately to your left, there will be two staircases going further down into the ground. Go down the left one. Wait for the A express train that will come on the left track in about 3-20 minutes, depending on how much God loves you that day. When it arrives, get on the very first car at the front of the train (don't worry, you're already positioned well to be right at the first car) and try to find a seat next to someone thin and well-groomed. It's a relatively lengthy ride.

Four stops later, once it's clear that no tourists are left in sight, get off at 168th street. You will exit through the doors on the left-hand side of the train and take the staircase that is closest to where you stepped off. This will lead you up to two cage-type turnstiles on the right. Choose one and exit. Take the stairs that lead to 169th street and St. Nicholas Avenue, northeast corner. When you emerge, don't be alarmed by the men sitting on buckets who will stare at you. Walk straight forward on St. Nicholas towards 170th Street. You will pass an out-of-place flower shop on your right and see a wine store on the corner. They know me there.

Turn right on 170th street, and walk towards the foul-smelling silver truck that has an illuminated sign displaying the word "CHIMI" in all capital letters. Try not to look at whatever they're frying as you pass. I think it's squirrel. Once you've passed the CHIMI truck on the left and the playground full of darling Hispanic children on the right, you'll be on my corner. 170th and Audubon.

I cannot disclose my exact location on this corner, be it North, South, East, or West, for fear of creepy internet stalkers (and you're probably one of them). But essentially, you have arrived. Call me when you're here.

Oh, and here are some pictures from my birthday!