Dealbreakers & Warnings

Being sick is no fun. I have a really big weekend coming up with a bunch of my friends who are visiting, so I stayed home from work today to recover. I'm feeling a smidge better, but the scratchiness in my throat and general tiredness is still lingering. Grocery shopping was my one outing of the day, but even that took a lot out of me. Mind you, grocery shopping always takes a lot out of me considering it's a half mile walk with heavy plastic bags digging into your fingers, leaving red dents, joint pain, and shoulder stiffness for a half hour afterwards. Today was just particularly dreadful since my energy level plummeted with each step. Not to mention I got home to find that I'd picked a bad batch of grapes. What a terrible discovery that was.

Sex and the City reruns occupied my afternoon, listening to Carrie Bradshaw's advice for single women living in New York. Rather appropriate, I'd say. One of the episodes was about dealbreakers. Another was about the fear of letting someone see all of your flaws should they move in. Since my brain isn't functioning at full capacity (I'd guess I'm using about 6.5% rather than the normal 10% of the average human...), I think I'm just going to make this blog a list. First of my dealbreakers. Second of the things you should know about me before moving in...and I'll just defer future candidates to this list if they ever show interest. Brit also contributed, as who would know better my annoying flaws than the person who currently puts up with them?

Dealbreakers:
-smoking
-drugs
-unemployment
-unintelligent/uneducated
-really yellow teeth
-doesn't care about staying somewhat fit
-has a history of cheating
-has no friends
-doesn't have a normal moral code
-doesn't believe in God

What you should know about me before moving in:
-I have a very acoustically resonant mouth that results in abnormally loud chewing and swallowing, even with my mouth closed
-I don't like to go to sleep with any noise or lights on
-Sometimes I just don't feel like talking and you can't take it personally; this may include selective hearing
-Sometimes I won't stop talking
-I will remind you to do your dishes
-I don't enjoy cuddling while sleeping. Before is fine. But when it's time to sleep, go to your side of the bed.
-I don't make the bed
-I tend to lose my keys and get locked out a lot
-I often forget to take my clothes out of the dryer
-Sometimes my long hair clogs the drain
-If you push snooze more than once and are getting up earlier than me, I won't be thrilled
-My stomach gurgles loudly and at inopportune moments
-I prefer the blindes to be pulled completely up rather than just opened
-I drop and spill everything. Things will break. Things will be wasted. I've tried to improve my clumsiness, but it's not going to change.

I'm sure I have additional embarrassing/irritating qualities, but if you can look past the ones mentioned above, I assume you can look past the other stuff, too. "You" refers to whatever future roommate/eligible bachelor is reading this, considering I have no viable options at the moment. Although my boss is trying to hook me up with the graphic designer who works at STAPLES. I have the pleasure of visiting him once or twice a week (now referred to as "dates"), so that's obviously moving along nicely. He usually helps me from behind the counter, but yesterday he ventured over to the copy machine to show me how to change the paper size. Gettin' prettyyyy serious. He's legitimately quite attractive, particularly with the tan he just got from his vaca. I was wondering where he was all last week! No I wasn't, actually. Lynn is trying to get him to ask me out, so she called STAPLES last week to make sure Chris was working before sending me there on an errand. They told her he was on vacation, so I wasn't sent on the mission until his return. Glad my boss is lookin' out. I have to take something back to the store tomorrow, so I'll be sure to shower in the morning. Goodnight! Better get my beauty sleep...