Starting the Process

I really miss singing. Today began the slow process of finding auditions and opportunities. An hour of writing down possibilities on playbill.com, backstage.com, and cruise ship audition sites was all I could handle before I started getting overwhelmed with the idea of taking off work to audition, money I need for headshots, and the eight dozen other sacrifices that come along with pursuing musical theatre. I won't be on a stage tomorrow, but it's a start. As I mentioned two posts ago, buckling down and launching a project is one of my greatest struggles. I think of how arduous managing all of the details will be rather than just attacking one not-so-impossible detail at a time. Thus, it's easy for me to become stagnant. Relocating to New York was certainly not a minor gesture, but the apathy sets in quickly up here (as I was warned) when work and money become the focal point rather than the dream.

The battle against apathy began today because as I was running around the "office" during yet another stressful day at work, I realized that I will not be happy if I don't start cracking down on what I came here to accomplish. Yes, I'm exhausted and moody at the end of every day because my job is not what I'd like to spend all day doing, but the only way to alleviate that work stress is by putting forth the time and energy finding a job that I want to spend all day doing...i.e. performing. Let me be clear that I'm grateful for my boss and the position I have for the time being in that it puts a roof over my head and food in my mouth. The issue is the lack of satisfaction at the end of each day. All I feel is exhaustion and a tightness in my chest. On the other hand, when I was singing full time at Busch Gardens, work didn't feel like work; each evening I was excited to go back and do it all again tomorrow. That's how I want life to be. If I'm not looking forward to what the next day brings, something needs to change. [Cue Dreamgirls soul 'tude song: "IIIIII ammmm chayayayayayanging, trying everything I can..."]

Change isn't easy and often requires help. During this period of changing and adjusting to auditioning on top of just living in NYC, I'm so lucky that I have a family that supports me. I was in over 20 musicals growing up, tons of talent shows and competitions, and weekly voice lessons. They see that spark in me when I'm on stage, so their support is unyielding. Yesterday, when I took my book to the park to have some alone time and clear my head, I called my mom and emotionally ranted about feeling like singing is impossible because I have to look a certain way, dress a certain way, and have an unrealistic amount of money to make it happen. She calmed me down, helped me get back to the "one step at a time" mindset, and told me she wants to help me pay for dance classes in NY. I almost started crying. I'm so grateful that I have a mom who wants to keep helping me, even when I'm 23. It's not a matter of still completely depending on my parents- I'd absolutely hate that. After all, that's one of the reasons I wanted to get out of Virginia. But knowing that I have help when I feel defeated is something I will never take for granted (or try not to!). Lindsay also said that my Dad and Jean gave her a package for me when she went home to Virginia Beach this weekend. I get to go see what it is tomorrow night! Whether I'm overwhelmed, frustrated, or down in the dumps, I know things will be okay because I have the most incredible family in the world :)

Speaking of singing my whole life, check out this video of my brother and me singing "Almost Paradise" from the musical Footloose. I think I was 16 or 17 and Jim was 18 or 19....kind of embarrassing (don't kill me for putting this up, Jimbo!), but kind of adorable...look at my awkward serious face! Baha. I still think he should be the one pursuing music professionally, but that's just my opinion.