Frustration

Why can't anything in NYC go well? So far, I feel liked I've accomplished little more than watching my savings slowly decline as I attempt to find a job that supports me. I've worked at two places in two months, neither of which has brought any satisfaction to my life (or adequate dough). I am continuing to look for alternative employment opportunities while staying at my new restaurant, but my current day-to-day life is down right depressing. I've been trying to keep a positive attitude, but two weeks into the new job and I'm still a nervous wreck half the time. I leave close to tears after almost every shift. That is not how I plan on spending many more of my days. Life is too short.

Frustration is such an awful feeling. Frustration with my job, frustration with not knowing what I'm going to do the rest of my life, frustration with my social life, frustration with my love life, frustration with myself, etc. It's a growing epidemic. On top of it, I feel guilty for being so frustrated with life because I feel like everything's in my control. Get a new job, find more energy to go out and meet people, go to the gym, become more exciting, and take ownership for your own happiness, Shannon! The thing is, I honestly feel like I'm trying to no avail. There's always more I can do, but I'm tired. I'm tired of not having a steady job. I'm tired of going out and not meeting anyone, or meeting people that live far away from Brooklyn. I'm tired of not feeling worthy of a real relationship. I'm just tired. I understand that "all good things take time," as Jacob (Jim's best friend) reminded me yesterday, but can't just one aspect of my life fall into place? Just one?

Complaining about my life seems selfish and out-of-touch, I know, since I have a loving family, supportive old friends (albeit not close by), a healthy body, an education, and no debt. And I have some really great moments here and there. Life could be much, much worse. Still, that doesn't mean that everything's always easy. As a matter of fact, nothing's easy at the moment. I'm beginning to realize that wishing I wasn't going through such a rough period in my life doesn't mean I'm ungrateful for the good things I have. A rough period is a rough period, no matter who you are. Life isn't always breezy and there's no need to feel guilty when it's not. Wallowing in self-pity is one thing, but actively trying to get out of a rut and continually running into obstacles is another.

Tonight, I'm going to my one place of refuge in New York: Jim and Lindsay's. They know that their apartment has become my favorite spot and welcome me as often as I wish. Whether we're eating around the dinner table with a group of friends, like last Saturday (sooooo much fun!), or Lindsay and I are just watching a T.V. show together, like tonight, I'm in a much happier mood. Thank goodness I have family nearby, or else I'm not sure how much longer I'd last!

With Jim and Lindsay the night after their engagement