I guess I should start with where disappointment comes from. You can't be disappointed if you don't really, really want something. You can't be disappointed if you don't invest time and effort into achieving the end goal. You also can't be disappointed unless you have at least some small notion that the desired outcome is actually attainable.
Naturally, much of what I will write about regarding this topic pertains to pageantry. Miss Virginia is the most obvious goal I've striven for in my life and never attained. Everyone works hard for something like a Miss Virginia Pageant in their lives, though. Maybe yours is training for a triathlon, busting butt to get a promotion, or pulling all-nighters to get a rockin' score on the LSAT. Whatever it is, disappointment ensues if all of your hard work doesn't pay off in terms of reaching your objective.Do you get mad about it? Do you cry uncontrollably? Do you blame others? Do you blame yourself? Do you immediately move forward? Or do you hold onto the disappointment for months- maybe years- to come? In my case, I don't get mad, I don't cry uncontrollably, and many people can't even tell I'm that upset. I remember once explaining to a pageant acquaintance how much Miss Virginia meant to me and she raised her eyebrows and said, "I didn't have any idea it you cared so deeply." Apparently because I never cry if I lose, beat my flowers against the ground, or spout my disapproval about the judges decision, it looks like I don't care. I'm not saying crying is is a bad thing (beating flowers and spouting disapproval...well, yeah, that's just not classy), but I personally don't react in that manner. As necessary as aspirations are in life because they generate hard work and personal growth, I rarely think anything is the end of the world (except break ups...I definitely invest more in people than in activities). My belief is that a lot of accomplishments are overrated as far as their overarching importance in life. Who cares if you don't go to your ideal college or win the marathon or wear the crown. Those things don't make your life great. YOU make your life great. Those things don't make you important. YOU make you important just by believing you are!
After Miss Virginia this past year, I was bummed I didn't get the job, but that disappointment was FAR outweighed by the relationships, confidence in my leadership, and life lessons I gained. Of course there was a moment of sadness that I would have to return home and figure out a different path for my life, but my world was far from crushed. Maybe not being an "all eggs in one basket" kind of girl is what enabled me to move on quite quickly. Again, this doesn't mean I wasn't extremely disappointed. Rather, I hate dwelling on something I can't change, so I find the positives from the situation and just keep living. "Yesterday didn't work out- oh well, can't go back in time- so today I'll go to a baseball game with my friends and have fun." Why should I sit in bed and cry when I can't fix it? Maybe that's why I have a much harder recovery when a relationship disappoints me- because I think it's fixable. Losing a pageant isn't fixable. Not landing a role isn't fixable. What's the point in wrapping myself up in what's already done? Thus, from the second I stepped off the Miss Virginia stage, the past was the past. This quick-to-move-on reaction is a coping mechanism for the disappointment, I'm sure. Also, the ONLY way this kind of reaction is possible is if you know you did your personal best and have absolutely no regrets in your preparation. For me, that was the case.
Perhaps that kind of reaction is a good thing (I like to think so), but I also have respect for people who do put all of their eggs in one basket and give themselves fully over to a dream. A close friend of mine from Miss Virginia, who I won't name, is one of those people. When the pageant was over, she couldn't hold it together because she felt as though there was nothing left. The tears wouldn't stop flowing as she headed off stage thinking "now what?" She was so set on winning that the reality of not getting the job left her empty and outright depressed (Post Pageant Depression, or "PPD" as she sometimes says...love that phrase). She was not mean to anyone or bitter towards the winner, but her reaction to disappointment was despair. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the amount of heart and soul she put into competing- she, too, had no regrets. I almost envy that kind of devotion. But recovering from the loss took her months of emotional turmoil- quite opposite from my experience.
Another reaction is anger. I've witnessed several girls- not many- claim "It was rigged" or "This is an outrage!" as if they were completely robbed. I'm sure people feel that way when it comes to promotions or other accomplishments that rely on the subjective opinions of other people, as well. Politics and favoritism can be a frustrating part of life. For the most part, like in my pageant circumstance, however, decisions are fair (with a little bit of luck, too). You can't take results personally if you know you've done your best and kept your integrity throughout the process. As with most things, exceptions exist where people who don't deserve something are rewarded. But with pageantry in particular, that exception is rare. "Different judges, different night," as they say. All of the girls are fantastic, so how can one deserve it more than another? None-the-less, disappointment manifests as anger in some competitors. Bitterness festers in the weeks following the loss, which often leads to that person giving up or not working towards a similar goal in the future because they think "What's the point? I deserved it last time."
So, what is the best way to respond to disappointment? I'm not really sure. I think my way is probably the easiest, but how we emotionally react isn't something we choose. We can control our actions, but we can't control how we feel. The most important part is that when dealing with disappointment, we don't bring others down or lose sight of more significant things in life: relationships, compassion, and personal legacy.
This has nothing to do with disappointment, but my friend Claire shared this video on Facebook and I laughed so hard that I want to share it with anyone reading this:
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